The Carmack Cheeseball

This is something that has haunted me since childhood, or at least since my mother started getting these things, these green fuzzy balls that came, wrapped in plastic, in the weeks before Christmas and, for most of my brothers and sisters, initiated a frenzy of consumption that eroded, triscuit by eager triscuit, these perfect round globes of goodness.

Needless to say the recipe is closely guarded by Jim Carmack and his cheeseball collaborators. However, over the past few years, Pae and I have been conducting forensic investigations of our share of the booty. And this is the result:

8 oz Kaukauna Sharp Cheddar cheese spread
4 oz Philadelphia Cream Cheese
2 oz Mystery Cheese
2 oz Bacos, finely chopped
2 oz minced onion, dried
2 oz dried parsley
2 oz raw pecans, finely chopped
1-1/2 Tbs Cayenne pepper
1-1/2 Tbs A-1 steak sauce
1-1/2 Tbs KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce, original recipe
1 tsp Wright’s hickory liquid smoke, from concentrate
Distilled water to achieve texture
Sugar to taste
MSG to taste

Load ingredients into bowl. Place under a mixer. Blend to proper consistency. Form into balls 4 to 6 inches in diameter. Roll balls in extra pecans and parsley. Place in plastic bag. Place plastic bag into another plastic bag. Tie bags with red and white yard from Stats. Distribute.


(If anyone reading this knows the identity of the Mystery Cheese or the actual recipe itself and cares to correct this one, please do. We are committed to having a fully functional replica by Christmas this year.)